Joker's Wild
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The Joker takes over management of the Joker's Wild casino and seems to run it as a legitimate business, much to Batman's annoyance. Meanwhile, Jonathan Crane, Edward Nygma, and Jervis Tetch attempt to prove once and for all who Batman's most intelligent rival is, by concocting a complicated scheme to rob the casino.
1. Chapter 1

**Joker's Wild  
**

"Fifteen seconds until the bomb goes off, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley Quinn, gazing at clock in terror. "We're gonna die!"

The Joker was staring in panic at the series of wires in front of him. "I…I dunno which one to cut, Harley!" he exclaimed. "If I pick the wrong one, we're gonna be blown to smithereens!"

"We're gonna be blown to smithereens anyway in ten seconds!" cried Harley. "Unless a miracle happens!"

At that moment, the door was kicked down and a figure stood in the doorway. "Batsy?" gasped Joker.

"Better," said Jonathan Crane, striding confidently forward. "I'll take those, thank you, Joker," he said, grabbing the wire cutters from him.

"Hurry up, Johnny, you only have five seconds!" shrieked Harley.

"Calm yourself, my dear," he said, bringing the pliers to the red wire and cutting it. The clock immediately stopped counting down, and both Joker and Harley let out a sigh of relief.

"Johnny, you…you saved our lives!" gasped Joker. "How can I ever repay you?"

"I want you to leave Gotham and never come back," said Crane.

Joker nodded. "You got it!" he said, racing out the door. Crane turned to face Harley, who was gazing at him in adoration.

"Oh, Johnny!" she gasped. "You're incredible!"

He approached her, grabbing her firmly around the waist and bending her over backward as he pressed his lips onto hers in a passionate kiss…

And that's when Jonathan Crane woke up, to Harley's shrieks of pleasure from the the nearby cell. "Oh yes, Mr. J! Oh God, puddin'! Oh, you're incredible!"

He groaned, sitting up in annoyance and rubbing his eyes. "Good morning, Jonathan!" said Jervis Tetch cheerfully from the neighboring cell. "Pleasant dreams?"

"It was," agreed Crane, taking the cup of tea from his friend between the bars of their cells. "But then you have to wake up to a reality not nearly so pleasant."

"Well, they'll probably be finished soon," said Tetch, checking his watch. "And guess what arrived this morning?" he exclaimed, disappearing into a corner of his cell and reappearing a moment later holding up a record. "My 1966 recording of _The Mikado_ performed by the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company!"

"With John Reed as Ko-Ko?" asked Crane, excitedly.

"The very same," said Tetch, beaming.

"That's splendid!" he cried. "We must listen to it first thing after breakfast!"

He took a deep gulp of tea. "Oh Jervis, you must never cure yourself!" he said, happily. "It would be absolutely unbearable in Arkham if you weren't here."

"Well, no chance of that," said Tetch, smiling. "I daresay we are both as incurable as the Joker."

"As long as that's the only thing I share with the Joker, I'm satisfied," retorted Crane.

"Oh, puddin'! Yes! Oh God, yes!" shrieked Harley.

"Or…perhaps not quite satisfied," muttered Crane.

"Puddin', harder! Oh, Mr. J! That's it! That's so good! Oh, pudd..."

A car door slammed outside suddenly. "They're here!" shouted Joker, and they heard Harley shriek, and then a thud as she fell to the ground. An instant later, Joker raced out of the cell.

"Woah, too slow there, Johnny!" he shouted, shoving Crane out of the way as he dashed down the hall ahead of him. "One side there, Harv!" Joker shouted, catching up to Two-Face and knocking him out of the way. "Just you and me now, Pammie!" he chuckled, as he ran head to head against Poison Ivy.

"There is no way I'm letting you win!" hissed Ivy, picking up the pace. "No way!"

"Aw, life's full of disappointment, Pammie!" chuckled Joker. "Get used to it!"

He shot out a foot, tripping her up. Ivy shrieked as she hit the ground. "You cheating bastard!" she cried, shaking her fist after him.

"All's fair in love and war, Pammie!" giggled Joker. "And Donut Day definitely falls under the heading of love!"

He burst open the doors to the cafeteria, grabbing a plate and promptly holding it out to Dr. Leland. "Sprinkles for me, thanks, Doc."

"This is a new record time for you, isn't it, Joker?" asked Dr. Leland dryly, opening the box and handing him a donut.

Joker shrugged. "I dunno, Doc – I don't keep track. This isn't a competition, after all."

"Pamela, what happened to your leg?" asked Dr. Leland, as Poison Ivy stumbled into the room, being supported by Two-Face.

"J happened," she growled, glaring at him. "There are enough donuts for everyone, you moron! You don't have to get here first!"

"You're just jealous that you didn't win," sniffed Joker, eagerly devouring his first donut and holding out his plate for more.

"Where's Harley this morning?" asked Dr. Leland, looking around. "Isn't she usually with you?"

"Yeah, she was," he agreed. "But when I heard the donuts arrive, I shoved her off the bed and stepped on her foot so she couldn't follow me. Couldn't have her dead weight clinging to me and weighing me down – I'd have lost the race!"

"I thought you said this wasn't a competition," said Dr. Leland, dryly.

"It ain't," he retorted. "But I'm not about to let those losers win it, am I?"

Tetch entered the room a moment later, followed by Crane, who was carrying Harley tenderly in his arms. "Mr. J, I know you love your donuts, but can you at least finish what you start?" she asked, angrily.

"I always do, Harley girl!" he giggled, devouring his second donut. "Jelly one this time, please, Doc," he said, holding out his plate for another.

"Wait until everyone else has got one, jerk," muttered Ivy, shoving in front of him. "These are made from artificial flour, right, Dr. Leland?"

"Yes, Pamela," sighed Dr. Leland. "Do you think I want another riot on my hands?"

"Thanks for carrying me, Johnny – you're sweet," said Harley, beaming as Crane deposited her in the donut line. She kissed his cheek, and then hobbled over to the Joker, throwing her arms around his neck and leaning against him.

"No…no problem...at all, uh…Harley," stammered Crane awkwardly after her. He gazed in a mixture of anger and bewilderment as Harley cooed over the Joker, feeding him pieces of her donut.

"What on earth does she possibly see in that abusive bully?" he growled as Tetch handed him a donut.

"Best not to ask questions like that – they don't have straightforward answers," retorted Tetch. "And it's not the type of nonsense I like to discuss. Come on, let's go put on _The Mikado_. That'll cheer you up!"

It was true that a 19th-century satirical operetta was usually the type of thing to cheer Crane up. But there were some things Gilbert and Sullivan couldn't remedy, no matter how sharp their satire. Crane was still brooding on Harley's mad infatuation when the door to the Rec Room opened and Edward Nygma strode in.

"Ah, riddle me this, Eddie!" chucked Joker, glancing up from the TV. "What are you doing back in this dump?"

"The answer to that is simple, Joker," retorted Nygma. "What's got a cape, a cowl, and a brain the size of a peanut?"

"No, you answer my riddle first!" snapped Joker.

"Actually, mine was a rhetorical question," said Nygma.

"Is the answer a helicopter?" asked Joker.

"It's Batman!" snapped Nygma. "Batman brought me back, obviously, you uneducated dullard!"

"Geez, Eddie, you don't have to be so touchy," said Joker, shrugging and returning his attention back to the TV. "And if you're gonna tell riddles, you shouldn't give away the answer. It totally ruins the fun."

Nygma growled, heading over to where Tetch and Crane were seated in the corner. "Welcome back, Edward!" said Tetch. "We're just listening to _The Mikado_ if you'd like to join us. We're not very far in – just at 'Three Little Maids.'"

"Hey, that's a perfect name for you three!" giggled Joker. "I'm gonna call you that from now on!"

"Oh, for God's sake, Joker!" snapped Crane. "How do you know none of us has ever had a woman?"

"Have you?" asked Joker.

"No, but that's besides the point," growled Crane. "You presume far too much about our personal lives…"

"You wouldn't be so touchy about it if it weren't true," interrupted Joker. "And that's what makes a good joke, moron! Don't you know anything?"

"_I _am not a moron!" shouted Crane. "I'm Batman's most intelligent rival!"

"Well, let's not make that into a contest, Jonathan," snorted Nygma. "Because we all know that obviously _I'm _Batman's most intelligent rival."

"I would contest that," muttered Tetch.

"Let's prove it, right now!" snapped Crane. "I'm getting the IQ tests!"

He headed over to the shelves, selecting the _Trivial Pursuit_ game box and opening it. He pulled out several thick packets of paper, and brought them over to Nygma and Tetch. "Let's determine who's the most intelligent person in here once and for all," he growled. "We have twenty minutes from when I start the timer."

"Can I play?" asked Joker.

"It's not a game, Joker," retorted Nygma. "It's a carefully constructed standardized test to determine your intelligence quotient."

"Fine, if you're gonna be snobbish about your little game, we're all gonna play a game over here without you guys!" sniffed Joker. "Let's play 'Who Would You Do?' And the answer is obviously not any of those nerds," he chuckled.

"I've had sex with a woman," spoke up Nygma.

"Oh, you have not, Edward," retorted Tetch.

"No," agreed Nygma. "But I've seen a woman naked."

"Shut up, Edward, no, you haven't," growled Crane.

"I have!" he insisted. "And if you're so desperate, Jonathan, why don't you just sneak into that room next to the showers when the ladies are in there? There's a hole in the wall about halfway down. That's what I do. Uh…_would_ do," he corrected, hastily.

"That's disgusting," said Tetch.

"Well, at least I've seen a naked woman now!" snapped Nygma. "More than you have, Jervis!"

"I'm starting the timer now!" announced Crane.

"All right, guys, who would you do in here?" asked Joker loudly. "What about you, Harley?"

"You, puddin'," she purred. "Only you."

"Harley, the point of the game is to name someone you're not actually doing!" snapped Joker. "Play it right!"

"Uh…ok, puddin'," she said, looking around. "Uh…I guess…Johnny?"

Crane was about to press the timer, but stopped with his finger halfway to the button. "Excuse me," he said, standing up suddenly and heading over to where Joker and Harley sat on the sofa.

"Ah, that's my Harley girl!" chuckled Joker, patting her on the back. "Giving the poor guy a sympathy vote! What about you, Pammie? Who would you do?"

"Not you," she retorted, keeping her eyes fixed on her magazine.

"Ok, but the game's called 'Who Would You Do,' Pammie, not 'Who Would You Not Do'," retorted Joker. "So who would you do?"

Ivy sighed, looking up from her magazine. "Harvey," she snapped.

"Again, someone you're not already doing," he retorted.

She sighed heavily, looking around again. "Harley," she said, looking back down at the magazine. "No offense to the other guys in here."

"That's pretty offensive – you'd change your sexual preferences before you'd sleep with 'em!" chuckled Joker. "What about you, Harvey? Who would you do?"

"Harley," agreed Two-Face, not looking up from his book.

"Johnny, who would you do?" asked Joker, grinning at him.

"Uh…um…well, naturally, in a purely hypothetical situation, it would have to be…uh…Harley," he stammered, gazing at her.

"That's three votes for you, pooh!" giggled Joker, kissing her. "Guess they're all jealous of me!"

"It's really flattering, Mr. J, I ain't gonna lie," said Harley. "Thanks, Johnny," she said, grinning at him.

"Loser!" exclaimed Joker, putting his finger and thumb to his forehead. "Loser, loser, loser!"

"What about you, Joker?" asked Crane. "Who would you do?"

"What, in here?" asked Joker. "Gotta be Pammie. Plus she secretly wants me, and I aim to please."

"In your dreams," muttered Ivy.

"Outta here, it's gotta be Bats," Joker continued. "Just to say I have, y'know? Plus it's what the fangirls have been craving for years."

"What fangirls?" asked Crane.

"_My _fangirls," he retorted. "Some of us have 'em, Johnny, and some of us don't," he giggled. "Loser!" he repeated.

"Jonathan, come back here so we can begin the test," said Tetch.

Crane stormed back over to them, fuming. "Oh, actually Joker, I did have some news for you," said Nygma, lightly. "I heard a rumor when I was out that they're going to demolish your little casino."

"What casino?" asked Joker, puzzled.

"You must remember this, J – even _I _remember this," said Ivy, looking up from her magazine. "I was sitting right next to you when it was announced. This guy built a casino called Joker's Wild using your image, and you were gonna sue him, and then kill him, but instead you broke outta here and tried to blow it up, but Batman stopped you?"

"Oh yeah – that vaguely rings a bell," said Joker, nodding.

"Anyway, the building's been abandoned since then, but they want to redevelop the property now – turn it into some sort of strip mall," continued Nygma. "So it's gonna be demolished."

"That's kinda a shame," said Joker, thoughtfully. "Seems like a missed business opportunity on my part. I mean, there's already a casino built in my image – there's no reason why I shouldn't take it over."

"What, you run a casino?" asked Ivy. "Like a legitimate businessman?"

"Oh please, Pammie, casino owners aren't legitimate businessmen!" chuckled Joker. "They're big crooks, just like I am! Taking advantage of people's addictions in order to make a profit. It's actually…fiendishly clever. I'll do it!" he exclaimed, standing up suddenly. "I'm going to reopen Joker's Wild under new management - Joker's management!"

"How are you going to do that stuck in here?" demanded Ivy. "Plus the moment the Bat hears about this, he's gonna beat the crap outta you and drag you back here!"

"Oh Pammie, you're so close-minded!" sighed Joker. "Haven't you ever heard of bribery? It's how Penguin went straight – pay off a couple of elected officials and the cops, and they leave you alone. And Batman can't touch him now. I can make good just like he did, and wouldn't that be a great joke? Batsy knowing I'm doing wrong but not being able to lay a finger on me! Oh, it's brilliant!" he giggled. "I'm surprised I didn't think of this earlier!"

"Can I be a part of the casino, Mr. J?" asked Harley, hopefully.

"Of course you can, pumpkin pie!" he exclaimed. "You can be my secretary!"

"Secretary?" said Harley, wrinkling her nose. "I was hoping for something a little more glamorous."

"Like what, topless dancer?" asked Joker. "Nobody would pay to see that, Harley! Pammie, on the other hand…Pammie, you wanna be a topless dancer at my casino?" he asked.

"Wow, y'know, J, as much as it would fulfill a lifelong dream of mine to be nothing but a mindless piece of meat to serve the lusts of men, I'm gonna have to refuse you," retorted Ivy, sarcastically.

"Aw, c'mon, Pammie, most guys have seen it all anyway!" chuckled Joker. "I mean, even Eddie spies on you in the shower."

Ivy's eyes narrowed. "What?" she demanded, glaring over at Nygma.

"I…I don't," stammered Nygma. "I…don't do that."

"You sick little creep!" shrieked Ivy, jumping to her feet and racing over to attack Nygma. She was beaten to the punch by Two-Face, who struck him a blow that sent him flying. As Ivy and Two-Face started beating Nygma mercilessly, and Tetch and Crane rushed to try to pull them away, the guards hurried in to break up the fight. And they were so distracted by that task that they didn't see Joker and Harley quietly and carefully sneaking out of the window to freedom.


	2. Chapter 2

"A tie result. Well, that's disappointing," sighed Crane, studying the IQ test scores the next day.

"And it also doesn't determine anything," agreed Tetch.

"If I wasn't in physical agony, I would have easily beaten both of you," growled Nygma, massaging his bandaged head. "But it's hard to concentrate when your face feels like it's been smashed into a million pieces."

"Well, I hope you've learned your lesson about spying on women in the shower," retorted Crane.

"I saw Harley too," said Nygma. "I bet you'd like to hear details about that, Jonathan."

"No, thank you," he replied lightly.

"Well, I'm sure you'll take advantage of the peephole when she returns," said Nygma.

"I most certainly will not!" Crane snapped. "I'm motivated by a thing called honor, Edward, which I know you can't really comprehend, but it involves not spying on naked women, no matter how much the baser side of my nature would enjoy that."

"I don't see why not. It's really the only way you're ever going to get anywhere with Harley," retorted Nygma. "She's crazy about the clown. I'd take what I can get."

"Look, it's terribly unkind to torment a man hopelessly in love," said Tetch, gently. "Could we please not fight?"

"Actually, the only way we're going to determine the winner of this contest is by fighting," snapped Crane. "We have to have some sort of competition to determine who's the most intelligent among the three of us."

"Game of _Trivial Pursuit_?" asked Tetch. "Although those do tend to last days…"

"What are we, four?" demanded Nygma. "We're all criminals, for God's sake! Let's have a real competition!"

"What do you suggest, Edward?" asked Crane.

He shrugged. "I dunno. Some kinda crime to objectively determine intelligence, in terms of both knowledge and creativity. Like robbing a bank or a museum or…"

"Coming up on _Gotham Insider_, we look at the Joker's latest escapade which has shocked Gotham," announced the evening news. "No, it's not a new outrageous crime – it's the rumor that the Clown Prince of Crime has gone straight! In a surprising move, the Ace of Knaves has proven that he's anything but predictable, as he's publicly purchased the Joker's Wild casino, which will be reopening its doors in a couple weeks under his personal management. When questioned about this surprising business maneuver from a man who has never had any interest in legitimate business before, the Joker had this to say."

The footage switched from the newsreader to the Joker standing in front of a crowd of reporters. "I just feel like it's time to give back to the people of Gotham City. And what better way to do that than by providing them with a place where they can relax in a carefree environment and gamble away their life savings? Whether you're a hardcore gambling addict or just flirting with the idea of throwing your money away, Joker's Wild is a fun experience the whole family can enjoy together. But no gambling for the kiddies, I'm afraid! You guys know me – I'm nothing if not respectful of the law!" he chuckled.

"What about your criminal record, Mr. Joker?" asked one of the reporters. "Aren't you currently on the run from the law and the Batman? How can you start a business as an escaped felon?"

"How? I'll tell you how," said Joker. "Because I'm an American, that's how. And this is the land of opportunity, the opportunity of giving a guy like me a second chance, and a shot at being an entrepreneur and a businessman. The American dream is built on business, invention, and the belief that anyone can rise to the top, even an escaped felon. And that's why it's the greatest country in the goddamn world. God bless America!"

A huge round of applause echoed these sentiments. "He didn't even answer the question!" exclaimed Tetch.

"Any further questions will have to be addressed to my secretary – she's liaising with my lawyers as to the details of the sale, as well as ironing out all the little creases in my criminal record," continued Joker. "Miss Harleen Quinzel, everybody!"

"Thanks, puddin'," said Harley, appearing suddenly dressed in a business suit and wearing glasses. "I mean…uh…thanks, Mr. Joker," she stammered as he glared at her. "I can assure you all that the Joker is completely sincere in his reformation – he wants nothing more than to be a legitimate businessman like his friend Mr. Cobblepot. All he wants to do is go straight…"

"And you of all people know I'm already there, right, toots?" chuckled Joker, slapping her bottom. "But seriously, folks, that whole me and Batsy rivalry is a thing of the past! He's always welcome at Joker's Wild, of course, and I hope he'll stop by, for old time's sake. And to see that I'm not up to anything underhanded – dealing from the top of the deck only now!" he laughed.

"Any other questions?" asked Harley.

"God, she's so beautiful in glasses," murmured Crane, gazing dreamily at Harley.

Nygma was also gazing at the TV, but for an entirely different reason. A slow smile formed on his lips as a plan began to form. "I've got our competition," he murmured.

"What is it?" asked Tetch.

Nygma pointed at the screen. "We rip off Joker's Wild."

The other two stared at him. "Are you insane?" demanded Tetch. "Steal from the Joker's casino? Surely even you can see what nonsense that is!"

"No, riddle me this!" snapped Nygma. "What's a greater test of intelligence than outsmarting the craziest man in Gotham? Especially when he's so proud of his little casino. What could irritate him more than having it robbed right in front of his eyes and him being powerless to prevent it? And then if one of us publicly admitted that we did it, it would humiliate him even further when he learns he was outsmarted by people he's always considered inferior criminals."

"And you think the Joker would just take the humiliation calmly, do you?" asked Tetch, dryly. "You don't think he would be terribly angry, and wreak horrible vengeance on us?"

"Well, you don't have to worry about that, Jervis – you're not going to win," retorted Nygma, smugly. "And I'm not afraid of the Joker."

"Then you're an idiot," retorted Crane.

"Prove it, Jonathan," he snapped. "Outsmart me."

"I'm not stealing from the Joker," said Crane. "I'm not a complete madman."

Nygma sighed heavily. "Well, that's a shame," he said, nodding at the screen. "Because I'm sure Harley would be really impressed with any man who could prove himself smarter than her lover. She might be inclined to take _him _as her lover, if the guy made the Joker look pathetic enough. I mean, no man's attractive when he loses. And it's a pretty irresistible idea, isn't it? Making the Joker into a loser?"

Crane said nothing. He still studied the screen, watching Harley smiling and chatting to the reporters, and his thoughts flicked back to his dream, and how wonderful it had been when he had bested the Joker. Rationally he knew there was no way that dream could become a reality simply by stealing from the Joker's casino, but he wasn't an entirely rational man, being a certified lunatic.

He nodded slowly. "All right, Edward. You're on."

"Jonathan, this isn't a good idea," said Tetch, firmly. "Nobody is going to emerge as a winner in this situation, you understand that, don't you? Even if one of us manages to steal from the casino, the Joker is going to make us pay dearly…"

"We can't live our lives in fear of that clown, can we, Jervis?" asked Crane.

"We certainly shouldn't go out of our way to invoke his wrath," agreed Tetch. "It's nonsense, Jonathan…"

"You're just scared you're going to lose, Jervis," said Nygma, mockingly.

"I am not scared!" retorted Tetch. "I'm just not a complete moron! In fact, I for one believe I've already won this intelligence contest by the simple fact that I'm refusing to participate in it!"

"Well, first thing's first," said Crane, heading back to the cell block. "We can't be in here for it."

He tapped on the bars to Poison Ivy's cell. "What?" she asked, looking up from her book angrily.

"Pamela, is there any way you can break the three of us out of here with the help of your plants?" he asked. "I recall them being most effective in the past."

"I'm not helping that jerk after he spied on me," retorted Ivy, glaring at Nygma and then looking back down at her book.

"Pity," sighed Crane. "Oh well, that's that. I guess our plan to humiliate the Joker will have to go unfulfilled."

"Wait, what plan to humiliate the Joker?" asked Ivy, looking up again.

"Oh, it doesn't matter, Pamela – you've said you won't help us," said Crane, shrugging. "We were only going to steal from his precious casino and then publicly announce what we did, that's all."

"Oh…really?" said Ivy, putting down her book. "Well, why didn't you say so in the first place, Johnny? I'm sure I can help you out, as long as you're sure it's gonna result in J's utter humiliation."

"My word as a gentleman, my dear," said Crane.

"Good enough for me," said Ivy, reaching into her pocket and handing him a bean. "Throw that out the window and it'll grow a trail of ivy against the wall. You can use it to climb down. Try to be discreet though – I've just developed these and I wanna use them for a few more breakouts yet."

"My dear, I'm nothing if not discreet," said Crane, nodding at her. "Thank you very much. You're beautiful inside as well as out."

"And you have a really attractive body," added Nygma.

She glared at him, and then punched him in the face. "What did I say?" demanded Nygma, as the other two dragged him off down the hall. "I thought it was good to compliment a female's appearance! Honestly, women! I'll never understand them!"


	3. Chapter 3

Harley Quinn threw open the door to the Joker's office in the casino, and gasped. "Johnny!" she exclaimed, as she saw Jonathan Crane seated in the Joker's chair, casually holding a gun against the tied and bound form of her lover at his feet, who looked quite the worse for wear.

"Good evening, my dear," he said, raising a glass to her. "I just thought I'd stop by to show you the true face of the man you claim to adore. Get up, you useless wretch," he muttered, kicking Joker.

He whined and began sobbing in pain, staring up at Harley with tears in his eyes. "Since I have overthrown him, I have claimed his property," continued Crane, taking a drink. "All of it."

Harley's eyes flicked from Joker to Crane, and then a seductive smile formed on her lips. "Is that so?" she murmured. "Well, guess I'd better show you your property then, Johnny. All of it."

She shook her blonde hair out of its bun, letting it fall in waves over her shoulder. She adjusted her glasses, and then slowly began undoing the buttons on her top, ripping it off at last and straddling his lap. "Take me, Johnny," she whispered, taking his face in her hands and kissing him deeply. "I'm all yours…"

"Jonathan? Are you awake?" said a voice suddenly, and a knock on the door startled Crane into wakefulness, melting the dream in front of his eyes.

"I have to stop doing this," he muttered to himself, rubbing his eyes. "It just hurts to wake up."

The door opened. "I've just made tea with breakfast, and it's a sin to let a nice tea go to waste," said Jervis Tetch. "And I'm hoping that sardines for breakfast will help stimulate your brain, and make you realize the folly of your plan for tonight."

"Jervis, we've been over this," retorted Crane, throwing his robe on over his pajamas and following Tetch into their dining room. "I'm not about to let Edward win this contest outright without a challenge."

"And as I've explained to you multiple times, Jonathan, Edward is not going to win, whatever the outcome," retorted Tetch. "If he succeeds in ripping off the Joker, he will not win. The only possible outcome to this situation is that Edward loses. Don't make yourself a loser along with him."

Crane sipped his tea without responding. "And as I've repeated, humiliating the Joker is not going to make Harley more fond of you," continued Tetch. "No woman is grateful to a man for humiliating the man she loves."

"Well, that didn't stop you trying to best Billy to impress Alice, now did it, Jervis?" demanded Crane.

"That's below the belt, Jonathan," snapped Tetch. "And I've learned my lesson, I freely admit that. I'm trying to prevent you from making my same mistake. I'm your friend."

"And as my friend, I'm sure you'll respect my decision to ignore your advice," said Crane, grabbing the newspaper and perusing it. The front page read _Joker's Wild! Grand Opening of Clown Casino Tonight! _"Looks like there's going to be quite a crowd of celebrities," said Crane. "The crème de la crème of Gotham's social elite. Oh, look at that, Oswald Cobblepot's coming. And Bruce Wayne, my my. Sure you won't come?"

Tetch sighed. "If I can't talk you out of this madness, I _will _come. Just to make sure you don't do anything too foolish."

"I don't need you to look out for me," snapped Crane.

"My dear Jonathan, you're clearly lost in some Wonderland of your own making," retorted Tetch. "And God knows what sort of trouble you're going to get into without a guide who knows Wonderland. Which thankfully I do."

"What do you suppose Edward has got planned?" asked Crane.

"Something unnecessarily complex and ultimately futile," sighed Tetch. "In an obvious attempt to assert his intellectual superiority."

"Yes, he does become predictable after awhile," agreed Crane. "And the possibilities for riddles in a card-themed casino are literally endless."

"I'm sure he's spent many hours thinking them up," sighed Tetch. "I feel sorry for the poor man sometimes. I mean, say what you will about you and me, Jonathan, but at least we have hobbies apart from our criminal endeavors. Edward's is just riddle after riddle. He has no ambitions or passions or aspirations other than that."

"Well, he needs to stop seeing everyone on earth as inferior to him, for one thing," retorted Crane. "And hopefully tonight will prove that everyone on earth isn't inferior to him."

"Batman's proved it many times," retorted Tetch. "He just won't accept it. But then I suppose madness is trying to same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

"That's the general problem with most of us, anyway," agreed Crane.

"This plan for tonight is madness too," continued Tetch. "You know that, don't you?"

"Well, I am only a poor lunatic, Jervis," replied Crane, shrugging. "You can't expect me to recognize madness when I see it, or refrain from acting upon it when I do. In fact, if a man who calls himself the Mad Hatter believes my scheme to be mad, then it's very likely to actually be sane, now isn't it?"

Tetch glared at him. "Touche," he muttered, sipping his tea. "But whatever happens tonight, Jonathan, or your head be it. If you still have one by the end of the evening."

Everyone had seen Joker's Wild casino before the Joker had taken it over, and it was already a gaudy, opulent building with giant playing cards on the outside walls and dozens of flashing lights. Joker had bested this by adding even more lights, and a working roller coaster to the roof of the building. A tall column had stood outside the door, proclaiming the name of the casino, with a rotating Joker head mounted on top, whose mouth opened and closed as it laughed, in a flat imitation of the Joker's patented chuckle. But naturally the Joker was a man who liked to personalize all his things, even when those things were already built in his image. So he had added a full body to the Joker head, a body that waved a welcoming arm, like a giant, animatronic figure out of Disneyland, only more frightening. And the head didn't twist around anymore, and it didn't laugh – it sang:

_Life's a game at Joker's Wild!_

_Come right in and stay awhile! _

_There's lots to see and lots to do!_

_Games and jokes and live shows too!_

_Whatever your age or race or style_

_He'll make sure you leave with a smile!_

_The King of Crazy, the Ace of Knaves!_

_The smiling clown you love to hate!_

_But all that's past – he's now gone straight!_

_Eat your heart out, Batmanate-or!_

_Joker's Wild!_

"Good God, it's horrific," muttered Crane, as they approached the building.

"And it doesn't continue the rhyming couplet at the end of the song," sighed Tetch. "That's so tacky. Even when a verse's meaning in nonsense, the form still has to make sense, for goodness sake! It's like the man's never heard of Lewis Carroll!"

They entered the casino doors and were immediately assaulted by the noise and clamor of thousands of people, milling around in the even more gaudily decorated interior. "Though I suppose one can't argue with popularity," said Tetch as they forded their way through the crowd.

"So you turned up after all," said Edward Nygma, approaching them. "I half expected you to chicken out, Crane."

"I think you mean see reason," snapped Tetch.

"Well, what are you doing here, Jervis, if you're not competing?" asked Nygma.

"Looking out for my friend," retorted Tetch. "Shame you don't have anyone looking out for you, but then I suppose you don't really have any friends."

"Don't want or need them either," replied Nygma. "Other human beings are primarily a waste of time and space. Mostly space," he muttered, as he was knocked into by another group of people.

"Out of my way, Mr. Nygma!" snapped a familiar voice, shoving Nygma aside. "I have business with the clown! Where is that little…there!" Oswald Cobblepot said, shoving past Crane and heading for the stairs in the center of the casino. This was the crux of the building, where the crowds of people and reporters were most fierce, talking over one another and holding out microphones to the figure standing on the steps. But it wasn't the Joker. It was Harley Quinn.

Crane saw her, and staggered back as if he had been hit, straight into a mass of reporters. "I'm…terribly sorry," he stammered to the grumbling of the people he had run into, as his eyes fixed once again on Harley. She was dressed in a long, tight-fitting, shoulderless sparkling red gown that hugged her figure, with matching sparkling black gloves. A slit up one side revealed most of her leg, her blonde hair was done up in two pigtails, and she wore a headset.

"Miss Quinn!" snapped the Penguin, diverting her attention away from the reporters. "When will the Joker be down?"

"Mr. J has lots to do running this casino, and can't be expected to stick to a schedule," retorted Harley. "He'll be down when he's down. Until then, you talk to me, Oswald."

"He's been putting off meeting with me since he bought this place!" snapped Penguin. "I've told him time and time again, there's only room for one rogue gone legitimate businessman in this town!"

"It's called capitalism, Oswald – get over it!" snapped Harley. "Frankly some people are sick of your monopoly on rogue-themed entertainment in this town! Mr. J's always listened to the voice of the people, and given them what they want," she explained, turning back to the reporters. "He's a real humanitarian."

"I can see Harley hasn't grown a brain in the last few weeks," muttered Nygma.

"Don't you dare say a word against her," growled Crane.

Nygma smiled. "I'll raise the stakes, Jonathan," he said. "You beat me tonight, and I'll publicly announce that not only are you smarter than me, but Harley is too."

"Deal," agreed Crane, shaking Nygma's hand.

"Jonathan…" began Tetch.

"I'm not backing out now, Jervis – it's for a lady's honor," interrupted Crane. "You of all people should understand that."

"But this is a terrible, terrible idea," muttered Tetch.

"What's that, Mr. J?" said Harley suddenly, putting a hand to her headset. "Uh huh. Yeah. Ok, puddin'. Mr. J is gonna be down momentarily," she announced to the casino at large. "You can have all your questions answered then."

"Miss Quinn, can you tell us what brought about the Joker's change of heart from criminal mastermind to legitimate businessman?" asked a reporter.

"What's Mr. J's motivation for everything, Vicki?" asked Harley, shrugging. "It's a good joke. Plus he gets a kick outta how nuts it must be driving Batsy."

"But why does he…Bruce Wayne!" exclaimed Vicki Vale, who had just spotted the billionaire playboy and raced over to him. "What's your opinion on this casino?"

"I hated it when it first opened, and I hate it now," muttered Bruce. "Plus I doubt the citizens of Gotham are stupid enough to buy the Joker's reformation. I certainly don't. He's obviously plotting something else. He has to be. That's just what he does – there has to be some joke…"

"Mr. Wayne, you'll excuse me for saying this, but you look terrible," interrupted Vicki Vale, suddenly. "Have you been sleeping all right?"

"Yes, Vicki, I'm fine," snapped Bruce. "I've just been lying awake at night thinking about…uh…my new…car."

"Miss Quinn, last time this casino opened, it was revealed to be a plot to have the Joker destroy it and collect the insurance money," spoke up Jack Ryder. "Can you assure the people of Gotham that the Joker isn't just trying the same scheme?"

"I'll field that one, Harley," said a voice. Everyone looked up to see the Joker coming down the steps, dressed in a velvet purple robe and smoking a pipe, in an obvious imitation of Hugh Hefner. "That whole blowing up the casino to collect the insurance money has been done, Jack," he said, puffing on the pipe. "No fun in the same joke being repeated twice. Besides, I've sunk millions of dollars into this place."

"Millions of your own dollars?" asked Jack Ryder.

"No, I've had backers," agreed Joker. "Canny businessmen who think this place will be quite the draw, if you'll forgive the pun," he chuckled. "And obviously they're right. I mean, look at this crowd! Even celebrity billionaire Bruce Wayne is here! Hi, Brucie!" he said, waving his pipe at him. "Enjoying yourself?"

Bruce snarled something unintelligible at him, storming off. "Guess not," Joker said. "Wonder why he's in such a bad mood. Must be losing at the gaming tables. Harley, go spread the word around the guys that Bruce Wayne should be allowed to have a good night. He's gotta keep making his billions somehow!" he chuckled.

"Joker, if I may have a word…" began Penguin.

"Not now, Pengers – I got important people to deal with," retorted Joker, shoving him aside. "Why, if it isn't the Three Little Maids!" he giggled, seeing Crane, Tetch, and Nygma. "The topless dancers are on at ten, just in case you boys wanna see what you'll never touch. I hope they're good – Harley handled the entire audition process and and refused to let me see 'em."

"You don't need to see other naked women, Mr. J," retorted Harley, firmly. "You got me."

"Be that as it may, Harley, I would like to personally verify that I'm providing my customers with high quality adult entertainment," he retorted.

"Well, if any of them complain, I'll let you watch," said Harley. "But my male test groups were very positive."

"What? You had test groups and you didn't let the Three Little Maids here join in?" chuckled Joker. "That's cruel, Harl! But then maybe dames just ain't their thing. Nothing wrong with that, boys – Joker's Wild welcomes people of all types! It's in our song! Though I'm afraid we don't have adult entertainment to cater to your particular tastes…"

"We're not gay!" snapped Crane.

"No need to take that tone – there'd be nothing wrong if you were," said Joker, patting him on the back soothingly. "Keep telling yourself that, Johnny, and one day you might have the courage to come out. Now lemme show you reporters around…" he said, striding off.

"I really am sick to death of him," muttered Penguin, biting down hard on his cigarette holder.

"Join the club," retorted Crane.

"I'm also not about to let him steal my business away without a fight," continued Penguin. "He'll rue the day he crossed me!"

"Sounds like Oswald's also joined in the humiliating J contest," commented Nygma. "Last chance, Jervis."

Tetch shook his head. "I may be mad, but I'm not _that _mad."

"Hope you boys have fun tonight," said Harley, coming over to them. "Lemme know if I can get you anything."

"Harley, you look…absolutely stunning," stammered Crane.

She beamed at him. "Thanks, Johnny," she said, kissing his cheek. "You boys enjoy now!"

She wandered off as Crane stared after her, tongue tied. "I'm doing this for Harley," he said, firmly.

"Then may the best man win," said Nygma. "My plan is very simple – clean out the casino by winning at everything. Counting cards is child's play, and figuring out probability is merely a mathematical process. I'll bankrupt this place in no time."

"My dear Nygma, you were always one for unnecessary drama," sighed Penguin. "My scheme for revenge is so much simpler."

"And what's that, Oswald?" asked Crane.

Penguin held up a keycard, which he had swiped from Harley when she was standing next to them. "Hit him where it hurts," he muttered. "In his nest, so to speak."

"Neither of you are being particularly subtle, are you?" sighed Crane. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised."

"Well, what's your plan, Jonathan?" demanded Penguin.

Crane tapped his nose. "All in good time, gentlemen," he murmured, as he wandered off with Tetch following him. "All in good time."


	4. Chapter 4

"You don't have a plan, do you, Jonathan?" asked Tetch when they were safely out of earshot.

"Edward stole mine," he muttered. "So I can't very well use it now!"

"Perhaps discretion is the better part of valor in this case…" began Tetch.

"I'm not leaving without accomplishing what I set out to do, Jervis!" snapped Crane.

"No. But perhaps discretion is the way to do it," snapped Tetch. "Discretion and charm. It's how I try to conduct most of my business, unless circumstances force me to act otherwise. Just follow my lead."

He headed over to where Harley was speaking to the attendant at one of the gaming tables, where Bruce Wayne sat, brooding over his hand of cards. "Harley, might I have a word?" asked Tetch politely.

"Sure thing, Jervis," she said. She clapped Bruce on the back as she passed. "Stop with all the brooding, huh, Brucie? You don't wanna turn out like Batman!"

"No, God forbid," he muttered.

"What can I do for you boys?" asked Harley. "You want a couple goes on the Smiling Slots?"

She gestured to a series of slot machines against one wall, which had a giant, animatronic Joker lying across the top of them and waving. "Erm…no," said Tetch, slowly. "Actually we'd just like a tour. Of the casino floor, the offices, anything you think might be of interest. Jonathan and I are particularly fascinated with the mechanics of the casino business. What kind of paperwork and insurance and red tape goes into a place like this."

"Oh…really?" said Harley, making a face. "I dunno, Jervis, that kinda stuff really bores me. And it bores Mr. J too – he hired an accountant to take care of all that stuff for him."

"Well, you don't have to indulge us if you don't want to," said Tetch, shrugging. "I suppose it might be easier for you to just let us into the office, and let us peruse the paperwork at our leisure. And that way you could continue to mingle with all these lovely guests, and we could be happy as oysters in an oyster bed. I certainly wouldn't want to inconvenience you in the slightest."

"Aw, you're sweet, Jervis," said Harley. "I'll just give ya the keycard to…"

She paused, feeling around in her purse. "Huh. Must have misplaced it," she said. "Never mind – I'll just let you in myself. C'mon up," she said, heading for the stairs.

Tetch smiled at Crane. "Now I just feel guilty for taking advantage of her," muttered Crane as they followed her up the stairs.

"Oh, nonsense, Jonathan," murmured Tetch, sarcastically. "Once you've stolen from the Joker and utterly humiliated him, she'll be down on her knees begging you to take her away from him, and thanking you for defending her honor to Edward. Do you see how ridiculous this all sounds now?"

Before Crane could respond, they had reached the outer room of the office, where a man sat engaged in piles of books and records. "Hey, Ernie, think you could let the boys and me into Mr. J's office?" she asked. "I think I left my key in the penthouse."

Ernie looked up, surprised. "Oh…Harley…I thought you had already gone in the back door. Your keycard was swiped a few minutes ago."

"What? Aw, criminey!" sighed Harley. "Ernie, get security for me, will ya? Some jerk's obviously stolen my keycard in the hope of ripping us off. I tell ya, I never expected dishonesty from this crowd," she sighed. "If you can't trust gambling addicts, reporters, and celebrities, who can you trust, huh, Johnny?"

Ernie pressed a button on his desk, and a second later, a few of the Joker's henchmen entered. "Boys, someone's trying to rip off Mr. J," said Harley, calmly. "Rip 'em a new one."

Ernie pressed another button and the door to the office swung wide, revealing the Penguin…held in a headlock by Batman. Harley snorted. "That ain't your usual bird companion, is it, Bats?"

"No," growled Batman. "I arrived here just in time to stop Cobblepot from breaking into the Joker's safe and stealing a fortune."

"What utter rubbish!" snapped Penguin. "This vindictive vigilante has no proof of this! _I _caught _him_ going through the Joker's files looking for some evidence of foul play!"

"You both have no right to be in here," snapped Harley. "This is Mr. J's private property, and you're breaking and entering. Boys, remove 'em."

Batman glared at Harley as the henchmen approached him. "You don't wanna cause any trouble now, do ya, Bats?" she murmured. "You don't want all these reporters here tonight doing a story on how Batman's a criminal who's obsessed with his reformed nemesis, do ya?"

Batman growled, and allowed himself to be escorted out of the office with Penguin. "It's all yours, boys," said Harley, holding open the door.

Her headset buzzed. "Harley, when security is done with the Bat and the Bird, send 'em down to me, would you? I'm just ejecting a certain Riddler from the premises, and I need the boys to see that he stays out. He's cheating at cards, y'see."

"It's not cheating! It's a mathematical formula…ahhh!" they heard the Riddler cry, as he was literally kicked out of the casino.

"I'll be right down, Mr. J," said Harley. "I'll leave you boys to it. Enjoy!" she said, smiling and shutting the door.

Tetch and Crane shared a look. "They've got rid of the competition," murmured Tetch. "You don't even have to steal anything now – you can just waltz out of here a free man who's won the contest. They've lost it already by being caught. Nobody who is smarter than the Joker could ever be caught by him. And a smart man would walk away when his rivals have been bested. There's nothing to prove by stealing anything…"

"Yes, you're right," agreed Crane. "But we might as well have a look around."

He headed over to where Batman had left the open files detailing bank transactions. "This does all seem to be legit," he muttered. "Maybe J really has gone straight after all."

Tetch laughed. "Yes. He's just like the little crocodile who beckons little fishes in with gently smiling jaws."

"Meaning?" said Crane.

"Meaning appearances are incredibly deceptive," retorted Tetch. "I'm sure if Batman had been left to his own devices, he'd have proven the Joker is still up to his old tricks."

Crane lifted up the file and studied the calendar underneath. The current date had been circled many times with a red pen, and next to it was written the word _Boom! _with a smiley face.

"That's odd," he said, frowning. He headed over to the safe and began trying to fiddle the lock.

"Jonathan, I thought we decided you didn't need to steal…" began Tetch.

"I have no intention of stealing," he replied. "I'd just like to see what's inside the safe, that's all."

The lock clicked, and Crane opened it, to reveal what appeared to be about twenty pounds of C-4. "What on earth is he planning on doing with all this?" he muttered. "Legitimate businessmen don't tend to keep explosives in their safe."

"And paying customers don't tend to snoop around the manager's office," said a voice from behind them. They turned to see the Joker standing in the doorway, calmly smoking his pipe and flanked by two bodyguards. "I guess I can only conclude that you two ain't paying customers, but trespassers," he sighed. "And we have a strict no trespasser policy at Joker's Wild. Boys!" he said, snapping his fingers. "Show 'em how we deal with party crashers."

It all happened in an instant. The henchmen had seized them, and struck them both across the head into unconsciousness. The last thing Crane saw before he blacked out was the Joker's smiling face, grinning at a joke only he knew the punchline to. And that was never a good thing.


	5. Chapter 5

"Wakey, wakey!" came the Joker's annoying voice. Crane groaned and opened his eyes to see the Joker standing over to his left, talking to a man tied up on the floor. Or…not the floor, Crane realized suddenly, as he looked down and saw that he too was tied, and lying inside what appeared to be a giant roulette wheel.

"Getting déjà vu, Batsy?" chuckled the Joker, and Crane realized that the Joker was speaking to Batman, who was tied down next to him. He looked to his right to see Tetch was there too, and looking across the wheel, he saw Nygma and Penguin, all similarly tied and bound. "The last time we were both at this little casino, I had you tied to the Wheel of Fun like this. Only this time you got some friends to keep you company," he chuckled. "And you're all gonna die, of course."

"I thought you said it wouldn't be funny repeating the joke of blowing up the casino," growled Batman, nodding at the ring of explosives that surrounded the wheel.

"And it wouldn't have been, if I had actually blown up the casino in the first place," agreed Joker, nodding. "But I didn't blow up the casino in the end, did I? You stopped me. The joke was set up, but no punchline was forthcoming. Anti-climactic is what it was. So I'm just gonna give the joke the punchline it deserves. I get rid of the casino, the Batman, and a bunch of useless supercriminals all at the same time! Thanks for setting this up, by the way, nerds," he said, addressing the room at large now. "I know you superlamewads think you're all geniuses, but you're not. You're just nerds. Nerds that I outsmarted."

"You didn't outsmart us," growled Nygma.

"No?" chuckled Joker, puffing on his pipe and grinning. "You think trying to rob my casino was a genius idea? No matter how you all tried to do it, it wasn't. But this is," he said, nodding around. "The only thing the police are gonna find if they look into the accident is the bodies of you losers. So naturally they'll assume it was some revenge scheme against me that ended up going wrong and blowing up in your faces. Literally!" he giggled. "Which will only confirm that the explosion was an act of terrorism, leaving me to collect all the insurance money my backers sunk into it. That's enough to go on a little crime spree all over Gotham. So who's the genius one now, guys?"

Nobody responded. Joker grinned, smoking on his pipe some more. "See, the thing about intelligence is, it ain't how much you know, but how you use it!" he giggled. "The joke's on all of you now, isn't it? And all those useless people up there, of course," he said, nodding up to the foyer of the casino. "I'm afraid only a select few of us will be clear of the site when the explosion goes off. Gotta say, the people I'll feel the most bad about killing is the topless dancers. They're just innocent young girls trying to make their way through college. Oh well," he sighed, turning to go. "Circle of life, I guess. See you in hell, suckers!" he chuckled, climbing the stairs and leaving them alone.

"Well, this is perfect," muttered Crane, struggling against his bonds. "I'm not only going to die, I'm going to die surrounded by these people."

"If you had listened to these people, neither of us would be in this mess!" snapped Tetch.

"Everyone just relax," snapped Batman, trying to work against his ropes. "I'm going to get you all out of here. He hasn't even started the timer on the explosives yet…"

At that moment, they all heard a beeping noise, and looked up to see a huge clock, held in the hand of another giant, animatronic Joker figure holding the roulette wheel, whose free hand waved mockingly at them as the mouth open and closed in laughter. The clock was attached to wires, which were also attached to the cannisters of explosives, and suddenly began counting down from two minutes, as the wheel they were on began spinning. "You were saying?" demanded Nygma.

"Two minutes is plenty of time," snapped Batman. "I've gotten out of worse situations than this." He paused. "I can't think of any right now, but I have…"

"Less bragging, more breaking!" interrupted Penguin.

"Do it yourself if you think it's so easy," retorted Batman. "Hang on, I've almost reached my belt…"

He flipped open a compartment on his utility belt, and flicked out a small knife, which he used to cut the ropes which held him. Once he was free, he made his way around the spinning wheel untying the others.

"How are you planning on getting everyone out of the casino before it blows?" demanded Penguin. "There must be thousands of people up there!"

"And panicking them by telling them about the bomb is only going to lead to a stampede, and probably more innocent people being trampled to death," agreed Tetch.

"Don't tell me how to do my job!" snapped Batman. "Joker is right about one thing – you people think too much about everything!"

"There's no such thing as thinking too much," snapped Nygma.

"There is when you only have sixty seconds," retorted Batman, racing over to where the wires attached to the clock.

"It's the red wire you have to cut," said Crane.

"Really? You're an expert in bomb disarmament, Professor Crane?" demanded Batman.

"No, if you must know, I did it in a dream," retorted Crane. "But dreams are theorized to be a way of processing unconscious knowledge, so I must have unconsciously learned somewhere along the line that to disarm a bomb, you have to cut the red wire."

"Is this the same dream where you ended up with Harley?" asked Tetch.

"Yes, it is, if you must know," retorted Crane.

"Oh, because that's obviously realistic!" shouted Penguin. "And _this _is what we're gambling our lives on? Some repressed nutcase's wet dream?"

"Pot to the kettle, Oswald!" snapped Crane.

"For your information, I was never declared insane!" retorted Penguin. "And I'm not repressed!"

"Fine, don't trust me!" shouted Crane, throwing up his hands. "Use your limitless knowledge of bomb disposal, Batman! God knows you should have some, dealing with us for years!"

Batman's eyes flicked between the clock and the blade in his hand. Then with a roar of frustration, he sliced through the red wire. For a dreadful moment, everyone held their breath, expecting the worst. And then the clock stopped its countdown.

Everyone let out a sigh of relief, which was abruptly turned into an uproar as Batman suddenly punched Nygma in the face. "You're all going back to Arkham!" he roared, grabbing Tetch's arm as he tackled Crane. "Except for you, Cobblepot – you're just being arrested for breaking and entering!"

"Over my dead body!" shouted Penguin, racing toward the stairs. Batman grabbed the Batclaw from his utility belt and shot it toward him – the claw wrapped around Penguin's legs, knocking him to the ground.

"You still have to admit both Harley and me are smarter than you," snapped Crane, as Batman threw Nygma down next to him.

"Why? You didn't win," retorted Nygma.

"I was caught last – that's winning," he replied.

"That's losing last," corrected Tetch. "I told you there would be no winners in this situation. But nobody listens to me."

"And now that I've got you all comfortably restrained," muttered Batman, as he finished handcuffing them all. "I'm going to have a little talk with Joker."

…

The Joker was sitting naked in a large hot tub that was probably big enough for ten people, but which only contained, for the moment, himself with a cigar in one hand and a glass of champagne in the other. He was smiling, gazing out the window at his casino, which was close enough for him to see it, but far enough away so as to be safe from any flying debris.

"How much longer, puddin'?" asked Harley, entering the room at that moment and taking off her dress.

"Well, the timer was for two minutes," he said, puffing on his cigar. "And the explosives are slow burning – they're gonna set fire to the basement first before igniting, so add about fifteen minutes to that. Which should make the fireworks go off any second now," he chuckled.

"I love fireworks," giggled Harley, slipping into the hot tub next to him and kissing his nose. "They make me all tingly inside."

She grabbed a glass of champagne by the side of the hot tub. "You got Ernie and the boys out, huh?" she asked.

"Uh huh," he said, nodding, as he kept his eyes fixed on the casino. "The only people of any note left in there are Batsy and the nerds."

"What nerds?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"Johnny Crane, Jervis Tetch, Eddie Nygma, and Oswald Cobblepot," he retorted, taking a sip from his champagne glass.

Harley stared at him. "Puddin'…those are our friends! And you've left them in there to die?!"

"Relax, Harl – it's for the best," he chuckled. "Better to end their pathetic little lives now and put them outta their misery. They've got no chance of ever being happy…"

"Puddin', we have to stop the bomb!" she exclaimed. "I couldn't live with myself knowing that I helped bring about the death of our friends! It ain't right! I won't…"

He silenced her with a kiss. "Have I ever told you how pretty you look when you're worried about the death of people you care about?" he murmured. "It's real hot, pumpkin pie."

"Oh…yeah?" she stammered, torn between her desire to help her friends and her desire for Mr. J. "Well…uh…I guess I…I…oh, Mr. J!" she gasped, pulling him down into her embrace.

"Mmm, wait for the explosion, kid," he murmured, looking up at the window. "That'll really put me in the mood."

"Sorry to disappoint you," muttered a voice from the shadows. They both looked up to see Batman standing by the side of the hot tub, arms folded across his chest.

Rage and annoyance flashed across Joker's face. "How did you…" he began, but then he sighed, shaking his head. "When will I ever learn?" he muttered, draining his champagne glass. "Just shoot him in the head when I have the chance."

"How come you don't ever learn to knock, huh, Batsy?" demanded Harley, covering herself with her arms. "Don't it occur to you that people might be trying to enjoy private time?!"

"Get out. Now," Batman snapped.

Joker sighed. "Ok. I hope I don't intimidate you, but you asked for it, Batsy…" he began, about to stand up.

"Grab a towel first, obviously!" interrupted Batman, angrily. "And put some clothes on, for God's sake! I'm not letting you ride in the Batmobile like that!"

The Batmobile was rather crowded, with the Penguin in the passenger seat, and Nygma, Tetch, Crane, Harley, and Joker all squeezed into the back. Fortunately they were all fairly thin. It was anything but comfortable, however, except for Crane, who had Harley pressed against him. "Sorry to crush you, Johnny," said Harley, apologetically. "And I hope you don't mind me just wearing my bathrobe – Bats didn't give me and Mr. J much time to change."

"No, I…don't mind at all, Harley," murmured Crane. It wasn't his dream come true exactly, but it certainly wasn't a bad way to end the evening.


	6. Chapter 6

"They're demolishing it anyway!" shouted Joker, reading the paper in Arkham a few days later. "They're spending taxpayers money to knock down Joker's Wild, when I was gonna do it all for free! And they lock me up in here for trying to provide a public service! I tell ya, it's like the whole world's gone mad!" he growled, throwing the paper down on the floor.

"Time's up," said Crane, holding up the timer. "Let's pass the IQ tests in for grading now."

"Why bother?" sighed Tetch, handing him his. "It's just going to be another tie."

"Look who's Mr. Optimistic," said Nygma. "Now that I'm back in full health, I know I'm going to win."

"Full health except for your shiner there, huh, Eddie?" chuckled Joker, coming over to them. "Here's mine," he said, tossing a paper at Crane.

"Yours?" repeated Crane. "Nobody invited you to participate in…"

"Yeah, and not inviting people to do stuff is really rude, Craney," interrupted Joker, nodding. "I swiped one outta your game box earlier, and I finished way before you losers did, so I was reading the newspaper until you were done. I just wanna have written proof that I'm smarter than you lamewads. Y'know, something you can hold up in a court of law, in case it ever comes to that."

"Oh, just score his test," muttered Nygma. "It might be amusing to see how badly he does in comparison to all of us. This is a man who, what, maybe passed the fourth grade?"

"What's the one where you learn fractions?" asked Joker. "I vaguely remember learning fractions. 2/5 is the maximum amount of blood you can lose before you die…I think that's the only one I remember. I ain't so good with facts and figures. I'm more of a creative thinking type, y'see."

"Of course you are," said Crane, sarcastically. "I must say, marking tests again like this takes me back to my days as a teacher. It's not at all a pleasant memory," he sighed, picking up his pen.

About forty-five minutes later, Crane was staring aghast at the results in front of him. "It's not possible!" he murmured. "It's just…not possible!"

"Are you done?" asked Nygma, coming over to him.

"No, I just need to…double check all these answers," he said hastily, covering up the tests. "Maybe the answer key is wrong. That's a possible explanation…"

"A possible explanation for what?" asked Tetch, joining them.

Crane gulped, and then handed them the Joker's test. "He's…beaten us," he murmured, quietly. "By one question each."

"No!" said Nygma, vehemently, grabbing the paper away from him and flipping through it. "It's not possible! The man's an utter moron!"

"I think the test is probably wrong," agreed Tetch. "Faulty. Misprinted, perhaps."

"But we've got all of the other answers right," said Crane. "I…I don't understand. It just can't be correct!"

"So boys, what's the result?" asked Joker, appearing suddenly and smiling.

"The result is…" began Crane.

"Incorrect!" snapped Nygma. "Somehow. I've…I've just got to figure out how, and I can. I can, I'm smarter than him, I can figure this out!" he said, gradually getting more hysterical as he compared the Joker's test to the answer sheet.

"Oooh, did I win the game?" chuckled Joker.

"It's not a game!" roared Nygma. "And you didn't win it! It's a test, and I always score highest on tests! Always! This can't be right! This can't be! It's not possible! It's wrong!"

"Well, the truth can't be wrong, can it, Eddie?" chuckled Joker.

"How did you do it?" shouted Nygma. "Tell me how you did it! You cheated somehow – how did you do it?! How?! Tell me!"

"Calm down, Edward…" began Tetch.

"I won't calm down!" shrieked Nygma. "This man is not smarter than me! He's not! It's not possible! He's not!"

The guards came to restrain Nygma and take him back to his cell. "Wow, somebody needs to get a life," sighed Joker, taking the test back. "I'll just keep this, thanks, Craney. Y'know, just in case anyone ever needs proof that I'm smarter than you losers. See ya around!"

"Did you win, puddin'?" asked Harley, as the Joker entered her cell, giggling to himself.

"I did, pooh," he said, kissing her cheek. "Like I told the guys before, it ain't how much you know," he said, pulling a photocopy of the test answer sheet out of his pocket. "But how you use it!"

"Well, I suppose IQ tests aren't the be all and end all of intelligence testing," sighed Tetch. "And their accuracy is frequently debated in academic circles."

"Don't try to make me feel better, Jervis," muttered Crane.

"Oh, do try to cheer up, Jonathan," said Tetch, shrugging. "So the man may score higher on an IQ test. So what?"

"I've always prided myself on my intelligence," muttered Crane. "It's the one thing I like about myself. But the Joker's just proven that he's smarter than me, and he has the girl I adore. I'm struggling to find a positive in all this."

"Well, he doesn't have our friendship," said Tetch, clapping him on the back. "And isn't that a wonderful thing?"

Crane stared at him. "I'm going to go dream about Harley," he muttered, heading back to his cell.

"I'll have tea ready at six," called Tetch. "Don't be late!"

"No, I won't, Jervis!" he called back, unable to suppress a smile. No matter how bad things got for him, he always had Jervis. And that was more of a comfort to him than he would ever have imagined.

**The End**


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